I remember the day this picture was taken.
I realised recently I'd didn't have a particularly happy childhood.
This was taken at Plymouth Navy days. I was an overweight and very self-doubting child. I remember not wanting to have my picture taken in the cockpit, because I didn't feel good enough.
I also remember, that if I was going to have it taken, then I might as well drop the sadness, and create a memory for the future, where I could show myself shining my true light.
I found this picture, when I moved back in with my parents after separating from my partner of five years with whom I have two beautiful children. Harsh times.
My friend, who was 22, had died the week before when she drank a smoothie that someone had accidentally put nuts in. My heart, was bleeding out.
I remember finding this picture, and holding it in my hands and connecting to that little boy who knew this world but not himself. In as much, I knew the beauty of the world and what a glorious playground it was meant to be but had yet to find that beauty within me, and there wasn't much beauty in my life because of it.
My friend, Jenny, who had passed, also was with me in spirit as I sat there, the last thing she imparted to me was that I was beautiful when I sang, I could feel her smile and her wisdom and belief in the world radiating. She was not scared of this world and it's glorious gifts, because she was not scared of herself so could welcome it into her heart.
I sat there and had to take time to let it soak in, and the tears came out. It all seemed to much to accept. The love this boy was showing me, the love Jenny was showering me with, the belief they had in me, and the choice I had made that day to shine as a gift for my future self was finally ready to be unwrapped. I wept.
Change is hard. As our behaviors and habits fall away, we are sometimes left feeling as if we don't know who we really are. With each instance when this happens in my life, my trust has shown me that it is these time when we are truly being welcomed to stand up and affirm who we are.
Skip forward a year and half from finding that photo again to yesterday evening.
I was guided, and who are we to deny our intuition, to set up a GoFundMe page to raise money for a professional microphone, so that I might do myself and Bex justice in capturing our beauty.
I tossed and turned. Who am I to put it out there to the universe and the divine and ask for something??? Who am I to deserve such things....the self doubt and denial reminded me of the time in my childhood when I considered myself not worthy and shyed away from the light inside me.
When I checked my emails last night, i had to sit down. The app i put my meditations on, insight timer, had emailed to welcome me to pilot a new meditation course format as they really like and belive in what I'm doing.
Not only that....they donated the full £300 for the microphone!!!!!
I had to let it sink in...two days that is all in took. I stood tall, proud of myself and what I can bring in my truth to the world, and received the help and support I had asked for to further that.
I realised...I valued myself, and suddenly the validation and confirmation came. It came because I wasn't looking for it outside first anymore, but rather because I had it strongly from within and the outer world was reflecting what I held dear and understood from within.
I don't usually share things like this on the page, but was inspired by Bex's candid honesty in her post last night.
I've had many a trouble with money, yet I'm an awesome manifestor and creator. I'm starting to see how, it wasn't my ability to dream that was the hurdle, but rather my self esteem.
How much did I value myself to care for me first?? How was I avoiding looking after myself because of the ways in which I was unable to accept the amazing help, love and support that surrounds me each day?
I'm a great wriggler :-) but am getting better at just letting the world, and those I love, simply and without barriers....love me.
Remember this...know you are pure of heart and intent, that you want what is best for you and your family, and then go out...out into the world with a head held high and
ask ask ask.
For you will
receive receive receive!
Looking upon that picture today, I'm able to accept it all. How my journey made me who I am today. I can feel his belief, and I can feel mine now.
I believe in me
I believe in you